


Art is Expensive

by DangersUntoldHardshipsUnnumbered



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Cheating, Complicated Relationships, F/F, Infidelity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-22
Updated: 2018-02-05
Packaged: 2019-03-07 22:22:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 17,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13444632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DangersUntoldHardshipsUnnumbered/pseuds/DangersUntoldHardshipsUnnumbered
Summary: Human disasters making a mess of things.





	1. Chapter 1

Cat rolled over.  Afternoon light splashed across the room and cast sharp shadows on those diamond-cut cheekbones of Lena’s.  She was beautiful, goddamnit.  Cat wished that she had found her way to Lena’s bed some other way, at some other time.

Lena was dozing but not entirely asleep and peered at Cat through drowsy eyes.  She smirked.  “This wasn’t what I had in mind, you know.  I really did just want to show you the painting.”

Lena had invited her over under the auspices of showing her the Braque that she was considering selling and that Cat was potentially interested in buying.  Three glasses of wine later, and they’d wound up like this.  Naked in bed, sticky, smelling of sex and each other’s perfume; Vol de Nuit and Joy by Jean Patou, respectively.  Cat had needed that release, and badly.  But she knew it was a terrible idea.

Her phone cheeped from her purse a few feet away. 

“Do you need to get that?” Lena asked.

Cat sighed.  “I suppose I’d better.”  She got up and wrapped a throw around herself, feeling suddenly self-conscious.

She fished her phome from the purse.  Sure enough, it was Kara texting her.  _I’m going to stay the night in Midvale after all.  I haven’t spent real time with Eliza in ages.  You crazy kids stay out of trouble._

Too late, Cat thought bitterly, swallowing a lump of guilt.  _OK, have a good time.  I’ll see you tomorrow._

“Kara?” Lena guessed.

Cat nodded.  She took a deep breath, gathered all her composure and turned around facing Lena squarely and declared, “This was fun, Lena, but it was a mistake and it can’t happen again.”

Lena looked like she knew that was coming and had both been expecting it and been disappointed by it.  It had been sudden, a quick conflagration of tamped-down passion and unmet needs that spilled over before they could get a grip on themselves.  “Of course,” she agreed.  “Kara is my friend.  Of course we can’t do this again.”  She paused, considering.  “Will you tell her?”

“Christ,” Cat sighed, “I don’t know.  How could I?  Our situation is complicated, but I can’t imagine how this would destroy her.”

Lena nodded.  “Just... if you decide it’s getting too much on your conscience, discuss it with me first, will you?”

Cat frowned.  It was only considerate.  “Of course.”

Lena looked a little sad.  Cat’s mind reeled back over all the times they’d lightly, meaninglessly flirted and taken it all as a joke.  The way Lena looked in the color red.  The way she was occasionally struck by her brilliance in casual conversations.  How she sparkled when she laughed. 

 Cat had thought she knew what she was signing up for, getting involved with Kara.  The truth was, she’d had no idea.

 

 

**

 

 

Cat remembered that day, seven months prior, when she had been dropped from a helicopter by a Cadmus-controlled drone and Kara –Supergirl, really, of course– had caught her.  She remember the breath being knocked from her lungs as she landed with a thud against Kara’s chest, and then looking at her eyes, her determined, focused, caring eyes... Kara had touched down softly behind Catco Plaza and gently set Cat down on the pavement.  But Cat couldn’t let go.  She was still shaking, trembling from her fall and from the closeness to the young woman that she’d loved, privately, shamefully, for so long now.  So she did what any sane, rational woman would do after a near death experience, and kissed her.

Then she whispered, “You need to stop.” 

“Stop what?”  Kara was puzzled.

“Stop pretending you’re not Kara Danvers.  I love you because you’re her, not the other way around, you thickheaded Kryptonian.”

And they’d kissed again.

Finally acknowledging their feelings, they spent time together, and letting themselves fall instead of fighting it the way they’d been for so long was like finally unclenching a fist from around their hearts.  Soft words, gentle touches, quietly sentimental moments sharing their secrets and fears.  It was relief, release, after two years of working together, supporting each other, but pretending there wasn’t anything more to them than mentor and protégé, it was relief to let go and feel.  Cat loved being picked up off the floor at the end of an evening and being kissed goodnight.  Kara’s arms were so very strong.  She smelled like sunshine.  It was everything.

In those early days, when they explored what it meant to know and love each other romantically, Cat was happy to take things slow, and be careful.  To simply enjoy brunches at Ferrano’s and quiet nights at her penthouse after some event or other, re-watching Love Actually on Netflix and arguing whether it actually sent terrible messages about love or not.  To hold hands and recount all the moments they almost kissed each other but thought for sure that it would have been a mistake. 

She remembered the moment that her heart sank when she finally, after a month of nearly continuous dating (or as continuous as a superhero and a fortune 100 CEO could manage),  asked Kara to spend the night.

Kara kissed her, and then hesitated for a moment.  “Cat... there’s something you need to understand about me.”

Cat was bemused.  What could possibly change her mind at this point?

“Cat... I love being close to you, close _with_ you, and the kisses are ... the best thing I’ve ever had in my life.  But... I don’t want you to be disappointed at what would happen if I stayed.”

Cat sighed.  “Kara, nothing you could do could disappoint me.  What is it, you haven’t been with women before?  That’s not a big deal, you know.”

Kara shook her head.  “No, it’s not that.  I just... I don’t need sex the way most people do.  It’s not something I want.  Honestly I’d be afraid of hurting you anyway ... it’s a big part of why I was afraid to go down this path with you.”

 _I can work with this_ , Cat thought gamely.  She loved Kara for everything she was.  She knew that much with unwavering certainty.  So they tried.

 

**

 

Lena showered vigorously to get Cat’s perfume off of her.  She changed the bedding.  She made some strong green tea and sat on the balcony, brooding and looking at the darkening city.  She sat, scrolling through some online shopping sites on her phone, trying to pick out something for her girlfriend’s birthday, which was coming up soon. 

She had intended to sell the Braque and buy something else to take its place, something that her girlfriend would like.  But it was hard to tell what she liked.  Her taste was expensive but nothing made her particularly excited except money.  She had a good eye, but where Lena was able to pick out the most unique piece of jewelry or the painting done by the most skilled master, her girlfriend was always wont to pick out the most expensive.  It was a little maddening sometimes. 

She placed a bid on a fairly large de Kooning.  Then she admitted it was really for herself and just called down to Hoeken’s and requested them to hold the most expensive diamond bracelet in the store for her to pick up tomorrow.  Done, and done. 

And just in time.  The elevator came up to their floor, and the door slid open.  She stepped out, looking neat and stylish and needle-sharp.  “Well,” she sighed, breezily.  “What have you been up to while I’ve been away, Lena?”

Lena came over and kissed her briefly on the cheek.  “Oh, nothing much.”  She gave her a weak smile.  “Just shopping for your birthday present.”

An approving nod.  “I’m going to shower and hit the sack, alright?  It’s been a brutal couple of days.  Let’s just say negotiations have been breaking down.”  She kicked off her stilettos and headed toward the master bath.

“I’ll join you in a minute, ok, Ronnie?”

“No need, honey, you look tired.”

Lena was honestly relieved.  She didn’t know if she could find it in herself to be sexy with Veronica anyway after what had happened that afternoon.  She was still processing it all, and still coming up blank.


	2. The Last Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So apparently, this is continuing. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

“But are you sure this will be enough for you?” Kara had asked Cat worriedly.              

Cat plowed ahead confidently.  It wouldn’t do for Kara to see her having hesitations about it, as it could make her withdraw.  “I’ll be menopausal soon enough anyway,” Cat half-joked, “and then I probably won’t even want you to come near me.”

Kara frowned at this, but they went ahead.

For a while, Cat was content enough.  She didn’t push, didn’t pressure.  They did everything couples did; romantic dinners, cozy evenings in, couch cuddling, afternoon park trips with Carter, and of course, Kara did absurd romantic things that only she could do; took Cat for moonlit flights over the ocean, cradling her in her arms with tender confidence.  Or bringing her little snowmen from the mountains in the middle of summer when Cat was complaining of the heat.  It felt worth not having sex.  Who needed sex anyway, she would declare blithely.  Those sweet kisses and all those supergifts were more than enough.

Cat couldn’t help being a little jealous of Kara’s friendship with Lena Luthor at first.  Lena was young, gorgeous, intelligent in a way that even Kara wasn’t, and god did she look good in evening wear.  Without having the assurance of a sexual relationship with Kara, Lena felt threatening.  _How do I know_ , she wondered at first, _what the difference is between their close friendship and our romantic thing?_   And so she greeted Lena always with polite frostiness.

At an L Corp party one night, when Kara had excused herself to get more potstickers (Lena had made certain they were on the menu), Lena took Cat aside.

“Listen, Cat,” she said in a frank, but friendly way, “Kara is absolutely my best friend in the world.  She’s desperately in love with you, and I couldn’t be happier for her.”

“But?” Cat had demanded archly.

“No but.”  Lena shook her head.  “I just want you to know that it isn’t like that between us.  I value her greatly, but only as a friend.  I’m not a threat to you at all.”

“Did she put you up to this conversation?” Cat couldn’t help her sour tone. 

Lena grinned, and Cat didn’t want to admit how disarming it was.  “Are you kidding?  She’d die if she knew I was talking to you like this.  But I think I’m pretty good at reading people, and I’m more than aware of your suspicions of me and my intentions.  I just want what’s best for her, and I really do think you’re good for her.  I’m not competition, Cat...”  She cast a quick eye down to the floor.  “Even if we are both wearing the same Bruno Maglis tonight.”

Cat looked down and Christ, it was true.  The very same.  Black, studded with a swirl of pearls.  Cat shook her head, and let her guard down enough to give Lena a small, sly smile.  “Well, I certainly can’t take issue with your taste.”

Kara returned with a plate of potstickers and polished them off in the time it took Lena to point out that she and Cat wore the same shoes.  And things became easier after that.  They’d double date as couples on occasion, but Veronica didn’t seem to be around much, or inclined much, so it was often an odd, third-wheel situation.  Lena insisted she didn’t mind.  It was more or less working.

 

 

 

**

 

 

It took Cat about a week after she’d slept with Lena to show up at her door one evening, miserable and guilt-ridden. 

Lena ushered her in.  Veronica, as usual, was elsewhere.  Lena offered Cat a drink, which she declined, and they sat awkwardly across from each other in the chaises on the balcony.

“Lena,” Cat began, “I don’t know what this will mean for my relationship with Kara, but I don’t think I can go on with not telling her.”

Lena sighed heavily, her dark brows drawing together in distress.  “I understand.  Honestly, this was weighing on me, too.”

Cat breathed a sigh of relief.  “Good.  She loves me, and trusts me, and I can’t really keep this from her.  I pride myself on honesty even if the truth is uncomfortable.”  She shook her head, and an errant lock of blonde hair escaped from behind her ear and dropped in front of her eye.  “I didn’t think I was this kind of person, Lena...”  And her voice broke a little. 

Lena reached out and took Cat’s hand.  “You’re not a bad person, Cat.  You said yourself, it’s a complicated situation.”  She rubbed her thumb over the back of Cat’s knuckles.

Cat’s eyes closed.  That small touch was enough to remind her of what they’d done last time they had seen each other.  “Yes, but ... there are things you don’t do...”

“And yet sometimes you do.  People do every day.”  Lena continued absently rubbing the back of Cat’s hand as she spoke.  “It’s not right, or what we think of as right, but it happens.  Even to good people.  Even in good relationships.”

And then Cat was out of her seat, pushing Lena down on the shaky chaise lounge that was clearly not designed for sex.  “When does Ronnie get home?” she was whispering as she hurriedly pushed Lena’s skirt up.

Lena didn’t fight her.  “I thought we weren’t going to do this again,” she remarked, her cheeks flushing. 

“This is the last time,” Cat promised, more to herself than to Lena.  She was already on her knees, ruining her stockings, tugging Lena’s skimpy underwear down. 

“OK... Ronnie’s not home for a few days,” Lena sighed.  “But not again, right?”

“Mm,” Cat mumbled, and she relished the way Lena tensed when her inner thighs were kissed, the way she tangled her fingers in Cat’s hair.  The traffic breathed quietly several stories below, the evening air was mild and Lena tasted like... well, she tasted like sex.  When Cat kissed hungrily between her legs, Lena would moan and press harder into Cat’s mouth.  She responded.  She was a sexual being.  She liked to fuck and she wanted it the way Cat did it, hotly and with passionate abandon.

Cat didn’t know if she could love Lena the way she loved her extraordinary Kara, but she knew one thing: she would never know the power of reducing Kara to the kind of helpless, pleading, mess that Lena was right now.  And that was a drug. 

She felt Lena come, and knew that this thing had ripped itself out of her control and was barreling into someplace she shouldn’t go but was going nonetheless. 

 

 

**

 

 

Lena didn’t bother scrubbing down after Cat left.  She spent a long while sobbing on the couch, looking at the Braque.  She liked it, but had grown tired of it.  And now it’s hectic angles and intersecting shapes felt too goddamn chaotic.  Why had she ever wanted it in her living room? 

She checked her bid on the deKooning.  Someone had outbid her.  $2.6 million.  Recklessly, she upped her bid to $4.5.  _Who cares_ , she thought, _art is expensive_. 

She had intended to sell the Braque to pay for the deKooning, but it wasn’t strictly necessary.  Kara loved that Braque.  It spoke to her.  Lena had gotten to know her friend intimately enough to know that there was a great deal of conflict and sharp corners and steely resolve underneath that optimistic and loving exterior.  Not that the optimistic and loving part of Kara was a façade, it just wasn’t the whole story by a damn sight.  Sometimes she wondered what it was like to be in Cat’s shoes, shouldering all that.  One doesn’t watch their world die, taking all the people and religion and culture and architecture and music with it, and come away unscathed.

Lena called Veronica.  They didn’t talk often when she was in Hong Kong.  Time difference and whatnot.

“Everything ok?” was her first question.

“Yeah, sure.”  Lena cleared her throat.  “I, uh, I just wanted to know if I should have Jess reserve our usual table at La Scala for your birthday.”

There was a strange pause filled with low static.  “Yeah, that’s fine,” she answered.

“Ok.”

“Was that all?”

Lena cleared her throat.  “I, uh... you know.  I just wanted to hear your voice.”  She winced.  It sounded stupid.

Veronica chuckled a little.  “Okay.  Listen, honey, I’ve got to go.  The–“

“Negotiations are breaking down?” Lena inquired dryly.

“No, but my hosts are getting restless and the guests are heavily armed.  You know.”

They wrapped up their call.  She hated that Veronica’s business was so sketchy, but the strange thing was, Veronica was always honest with Lena.  Lena could smell a lie from a hundred yards away, but Veronica never did that.  Maybe it was because they’d known each other since prep school and she didn’t feel the need to play games to deceive or impress Lena, but it really mattered.  Lena had had a string of lovers who turned out to be aliens, homicidal, homicidal aliens, or placed under mind control _by_ homicidal aliens.  Veronica was beautiful and cultured and yeah, a little remote and maybe not as passionate as Lena wanted, but she never lied to her, even when the truth was uncomfortable.

And here she was.  She had let Cat Grant fuck her.  Twice.  And she was lying about it.

She sobbed for a little while longer and then called the art movers.  She set an appointment for them to come and wrap up the Braque and deliver it Kara’s loft the following day.


	3. Giving and Recieving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It just gets worser and worser.

Kara, for the most part, had never been happier than she had since allowing herself to be with Cat.  Except of course, for the part about being dogged by constant insecurity that what they had would sooner or later not be enough.

She did her best to reach and stretch for ways to make their relationship more of what Cat was accustomed to.  Sexual desire had been pretty much bred out of her people, and though it would occasionally turn up as a recessive trait in some family lines, Kara had never particularly experienced it.  But at her suggestion, they made something of a practice of laying in bed on a lazy Sunday morning, and Cat would touch herself while Kara kissed her and whispered things that she liked to hear.  And then the restlessness and worry would kick in again a couple of months later, and Kara would then learn to please Cat in bed, to kiss her in all the places and ways that she liked best.  Maybe she didn’t do it the way someone did who was really hungry for it, but she loved the sounds Cat made when she was doing it right, and Cat seemed happy with this.

 But Kara was never satisfied.  Never sure that it was enough for Cat.  Though Cat never complained or pressed, Kara knew that Cat wanted to give in ways that Kara didn’t desire and there wasn’t much Kara could do about that.  They even tried a few times, much against Kara’s better judgment.  It was vaguely uncomfortable and Cat tried to hide her frustration and they never tried again after the third time. 

Kara had nightmares about Krypton often.  After rescues, sometimes she would have anxiety attacks.  Almost always, Cat was there to help her through them.  That used to be Alex’s job, but Alex was caught up in Maggie these days and now that Kara had a girlfriend, Alex seemed to feel it was the girlfriend’s job at least some of the time.  That was okay.  Cat’s presence was among a handful of the most reassuring sensations on this earth, and that was saying a lot.  Cat learned what Kara needed in those moments, when Kara was too wound up to risk letting Cat hold her, and Cat had to just linger quietly in the room, murmuring soothing things until Kara had calmed down enough to cry, and let herself be held. 

Only a few people knew about that part of Kara.  Even Lena only knew what she had been told.  She’d never been in the position of having to calm Kara down after an anxiety attack.  She preferred it that way.  What would the world think about Supergirl having to go home and shake and sob after pulling people out of burning buildings?  How could they possibly still trust her, knowing that she was still, even now, haunted by not being able to save Kelly from fashion during Myriad?  That as much as she saw Earth as her home, she would always be homesick for Krypton and angry that she’d been catapulted alone into space while it all crumbled and burned? 

She felt badly leaning so heavily on a few people, so she tried to be good to all of them, most especially Cat.  She made it her business to be the kindest, most thoughtful, most attentive superhero girlfriend the world had ever seen.  But always, in the back of her mind, was that voice –she didn’t know whose– muttering, _it’s not enough, you’re not enough, do better._

“Oh, come on,” Alex was saying on the phone on this particular morning, as Kara lounged around in her pajamas.  “Cat knew what she was getting.  And you guys have found ways to work around the sex thing, right?”

Kara sighed.  “Yeah.  But I don’t know if it’s enough.”

Alex tsked.  “Yeah but you always feel that.  You always felt that about Cat, even when you were just an employee.  You never felt good enough.”

It was true.  She hadn’t. 

“Hey, Alex, can I ask you something?”

“Shoot.”

“When you’re with Maggie ... you know, in bed... what do you like the most?  The giving part or the receiving part?”

“Hmm,” Alex thought for a moment.  “I don’t know.  I’d say I like them both equally but in different ways.”

Kara wasn’t content with this.  “But if you could only pick one or the other.  Say you could only have one or the other for the rest of your relationship, which would you pick?”

“Oh, the giving, definitely.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.  I like being able to make her feel that good.”  She sounded a little dreamy as she said this.

Kara nodded.  That made sense to her.

“Plus she’s so beautiful when she’s having a really good time.”

Kara understood that too.  “Ok, but–“

Before Kara could figure out what her follow-up question was, the doorbell rang.  Odd.  She wasn’t expecting anyone.  She opened the door to find a couple of art movers standing there with a fairly large, carefully wrapped painting that they explained had been sent by Lena Luthor.  She let them in, and after looking around the place for a moment, decided that it needed to be hung on the wall above her bed.

“What’s going on?” Alex wanted to know.

“I don’t know!  They’re art movers.  Hey guys, what is that painting?”

They were carefully unwrapping the brown paper off of it and answered without looking up.  “It’s a Braque.”

“Still Life With Violin and Candlesticks?”

He nodded.

Kara gasped.  “Alex!  They’re hanging Lena’s Braque on my wall right now!”

“So?”

“So it’s got to be worth a couple million dollars!  I mean, we’re best friends and all but that’s nuts!”

Alex whistled.  “Are you sure Cat didn’t just buy it from her and send it to you as a gift?”

Kara was pacing in tiny circles now, trying not to circle the movers like a curious puppy after a cup of espresso.  “I don’t know!” she squeaked.  “But that would be crazy too!”

“I dunno, Kara.  But I guess you better talk to your ridiculously wealthy gal pals and find out what the story is.  Let me know when you find out.”

 

 

**

 

 

“You gave Kara the Braque?” Cat paced her balcony uptown, looking out over the water and the shopping district.

“She loves it,” Lena replied brusquely.  “And I feel like ... neither you nor I have a right to it at the moment.”

Cat paused.  “She’s going to know something’s wrong with this.”

Lena didn’t seem concerned.  “So what?  I thought you were planning on telling her the truth anyway.”

Cat restrained a groan.  “I want to.”

“But?”

“Have you told Veronica?” 

Now it was Lena’s turn to hesitate for a few awkward beats.  “No.”

“Do you intend to?”

“I think so.”

“You don’t sound so sure.”

“Well, I’m not.”

“Because you don’t want to stop this any more than I do, but you don’t want to ruin the stability of your relationship.”

Lena sighed heavily for a moment.  “No, you’re right, I don’t want to leave Ronnie.”

“And I literally _can’t_ leave Kara.”

Lena didn’t ask what she meant by that.  “But you want to keep fucking me.”

“I loved fucking you,” Cat confessed, and her voice got husky remembering it all. 

Lena made a little strangled noise.  “Cat...”

“I can’t stop thinking about it.” 

“Cat, we shouldn’t...” And Lena sounded distressed, but she also sounded like she felt the same way.  She wanted it again, too. 

“I know.”

They got a discreet room in a small hotel downtown later that night.  They met there, quietly, for a couple of hours.  It was to be the first of several times they would do this.  They could be discreet for a little while, they said.  They would stop soon, they promised themselves.  And they would go back to their lovers and tell them what had happened and beg their forgiveness and do whatever they needed to repair their relationships. 

But Cat knew from journalism that the cover-up was always worse than the crime, and that secrets always burned to reveal themselves. 


	4. A Lack of Commitment

Lena’s reckless bidding won her the deKooning.  It was delivered the next day.  Veronica came home a few days later, surprised to find it there in place of the Braque.  “Did you end up selling it to Cat Grant like you were talking about?”

Lena shrugged.  “No.  Kara is borrowing it for a bit.  I was getting tired of it.”

Veronica gestured to the deKooning.  “Well, it’s a change of pace,” she said in that annoying, non-committal way she had that gave no indication what she thought of it.

Lena nodded.  “Sometimes you need that.”

Veronica set her suitcase down and they ate dinner with little conversation.  After they’d finished, she asked, “So, Lena?  I want to ask you something.”

“Hm?”

“Why haven’t you moved the rest of your things in here?  I mean, you’ve been unofficially shacked up with me for at least a year now.”

Lena shrugged.  “I have everything I need here.  My place uptown–“

“–is an expensive storage room.  Why bother?”

Lena shrugged.  She just felt better having a backup plan in case Veronica turned out to be as much of a disaster as her previous relationships.

“I just feel,” Veronica went on, “that it shows a lack of commitment on your part.”

“Not at all!” Lena exclaimed, but she knew she was being too defensive.  She’d just had too many disastrous romances and she couldn’t handle not having a backup plan.  If she was honest with herself, she didn’t really feel Veronica was that passionate about her, or about anything, but what they had was still better than anything else she’d had to date.  She couldn’t help wondering what it would be like with Cat, if they could stop sneaking around and just date each other.  She wondered if Cat’s clear neuroses were balanced out by the intensity of her passion for life.  She remembered Cat becoming really vehement over an exhibit of Russian Constructivist women’s art, and could hardly imagine Ronnie displaying a similar attitude.

“Then....?”

Lena shrugged.  “I don’t know.  You never know when you might need an extra roost in the city for who knows what.  I mean ... do you really want to make this official?”

Veronica nodded.  “Kind of, yes.  Unless you have a reason you don’t want to.”

“No no, let’s,” Lena decided vehemently.  She got up and dragged Veronica to her feet and kissed her hard, like she had done with Cat, and said, “Come on, Ronnie, let’s go celebrate.

Veronica smirked.  “Alright, if you must.”

Their lovemaking had always felt a little perfunctory, and tonight was no exception.  Lena didn’t really understand why that was.  By all indications, Veronica enjoyed sex, but with about the same vigor as she enjoyed everything else; that is, about half what it ought to be in Lena’s mind.

But Veronica wanted to commit.  That was good.  She wanted to make things a bit more serious.  So what if she wasn’t great at being affectionate?  So what if their sex didn’t bring down the roof?  You make concessions, she told herself, and no relationship is perfect.  She tried not to think about how Cat made her feel.  How Cat’s eyes flashed when you played her a rousing symphony or showed her a suit of particularly excellent quality.  How Cat’s eyes burned when she was pulling Lena’s clothes off. 

Cat.  She would have to stop sleeping with Cat.

 

 

**

 

Weeks dripped by.  Lena found herself making excuses not to spend time with Kara and Cat.  Kara didn’t understand.  “Did you have some kind of problem with Lena?” she kept asking.

Cat shook her head.  “I have no idea what’s wrong with her.  Maybe she’s really just busy.”

Cat tried to keep her promise to herself and not continue to see Lena.  She was anxious, stressed, often remote, and Kara asked her more and more if she was alright, if she was happy.  There was no reason for her not to be.  But she still struggled with the simple fact that Kara didn’t _desire_ her, and Lena did.  And Cat, endlessly caught in her own ball of insecurities, was realizing that she needed to be desired and desirable. 

A few weeks after Veronica’s birthday, she and Lena found themselves in their hotel room again.  They were a frantic tangle of mouths and fingers, thighs and ankles, pushing each other to come again, again, again.  “I want you,” Cat whispered after they finally stopped and lay together on the bed.

“You’ve had me, I’d say.”

“That’s not what I mean.”  Cat propped herself up on an elbow and gazed at Lena.  “I mean, I want this.  Us.  I need it to not be a dirty secret anymore.”

Lena sighed, and wiped a tear that trickled from the corner of her eye.  “I can’t steal you from Kara, Cat.  I can’t.”

“No, listen.  I end it with her, alright?  Gently.  Carefully.  I make sure she’s taken care of in all the ways that matter.  We wait a little while, you know, a respectable amount of time so it doesn’t look as if we’ve been fucking all along–“

“–even though we have.”

Cat ignored her and plowed on.  “–and then we can just be together.”

Lena grew frustrated.  “I just committed to Ronnie, you know.”

“I know. But she had to twist your arm for it.  You don’t really want that, I know you don’t.  If you were happy with her, we wouldn’t be doing this.”

“Don’t you love Kara?” Lena demanded.

“Yes! God, yes.  But... I’m never going to get _this_ from her.  And I need this.  I’m realizing that.”

Lena shook her head.  “I can’t be the reason you end your relationship with her.  Besides, didn’t you sort of work something out with the sex?”

Cat shook her head.  “It’s not like we haven’t been trying to work around it.  It’s not ... it’s not...”

“It’s not this.”  Lena shook her head.  “I get it, but... No relationship is perfect.  We both have partners that love us.  You’re talking crazy.”

“And yet here we are again.”

Lena rolled out of bed and began getting dressed.  “No more,” she said.

“We say that every time,” Cat pointed out.

“I mean it this time.”

“We say that, too.”

Lena finished shimmying into her blouse and turned around to look at Cat, with a look as if she’d been cut to the bone.  “So, what?  You think you’re in love with me?”

Cat’s stomach lurched at the way Lena spat those words.  “No,” she answered.  “But I could be.  If we actually did this right.”

Lena wadded up her stockings and stuffed them into her purse, then slipped her pumps on over her bare feet.  “Cat.  Be realistic.  I like you, but this is just sex.”

“But it doesn’t have to be.”

 “Yes, Cat.  It does.”

Lena left the room followed by a dark cloud, and Cat lay in the dim, staring at the flocked wallpaper and wondering whether she was an idiot to have laid it out to Lena like that.  Her words stung, but on some level, Cat didn’t really believe them.  Lena had always struck Cat as cautious, conservative and somewhat risk-averse, and this was the downside of that.  They had gotten tangled in something intense, but Cat knew that Lena was still reluctant to walk away from something that wasn’t miserable but that didn’t excite her much either .

Cat would go home that evening and Kara would have a nightmare that nearly ended with her blowing a hole in the penthouse roof.  Cat would comfort her, and Kara would apologize profusely for almost hurting her, and they would be up until the wee hours while Kara exorcised those familiar demons again.

 _We all have obligations,_ Cat thought. _Maybe Lena’s right. We don’t have any right to walk away from them._

 

**

 

 

Lena walked out of the hotel into the warm, muggy night, and as she walked toward the corner to hail a taxi, she found herself face to face with Alex Danvers.  She didn’t look happy.


	5. The Nature of Secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shit? Meet fan.

Alex’s hands were on hips, feet apart.  Her eyes were fixed on Lena’s face and Lena was pretty sure she saw murder in them.

“Have a nice time?” she asked sharply.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Lena tried to dismiss her.  She moved to keep walking past, but Alex stepped to the side and blocked her path. 

“Yeah, you do.  I know you were in there with Cat.  I know why, too.”

Lena looked around warily.  “Alex...”

Alex put a hand up.  “Look.  Don’t tell me it’s not what I think it is.  I know what it is.  Secret agent, remember?”

Lena cast her eyes down, fighting to keep her rioting emotions somewhat in check.

“I’m going to say this once, and once only.  I don’t want to wreck my sister’s life.  This is the first time she’s even been sort of happy in a relationship.  So, I’m not going to tell her about you two.  But it has to stop.  I’m not joking.  Never again.”

Lena bit down on her lip.  “I kind of just ended it, actually.”

Alex nodded, still glaring in a way that made Lena a little nervous.  “Good.  Then we have no problems.  But just know that I’m on you, now.  I’m watching.  If it happens again, you will not like how I respond.”  She smiled tightly.  “And you can give Cat a call and convey that to her as well.”

The street was dark, and Lena was getting a little nervous.  She could take care of herself well enough with the general population, but Alex Danvers had a different skill level.  Lena looked at Alex’s slender shape, coiled and strong, throwing a long shadow under the lamplight.  “I will,” she muttered, and tried to move past again.

Alex let her go by, and called after her, “And I want you to get out of Kara’s life.  No ghosting.  Do it slowly.  But do it.  She doesn’t need friends like you.  Expensive paintings or not.”

 

 

**

 

 

Cat slept in a little longer than usual after her wrenching talk with Lena and then her arduous night with Kara.  She woke up to Kara making breakfast.  After polishing off the pancakes and coffee, Cat took Kara back to bed.  They had what passed for sex between them, Cat touching herself and Kara kissing her and telling her how beautiful she was and how much she loved her.  They stayed in bed for a long time after she finished, and Cat just held her, and held her, and told her over and over that she loved her so very much.  It was true.  Maybe it wasn’t the kind of scorching hot sex that she’d been having with Lena, but it was intimacy, and it was sweet, and Kara did desire her, just not in the way she wanted.  Kara was surprised by Cat’s sudden fit of tenderness, but was happy to roll with it, and bask in the intensity of Cat’s affections. 

“I wish you were like this all the time,” Kara sighed, nestling her cheek against Cat’s shoulder.

Cat smiled sadly.  “I’m going to try to be this way more,” she promised.   

Kara curled around her.  “Good.  I like you like this.”

They lay curled naked together and kissed for what seemed like forever.  Then Kara lifted her head and looked at Cat.  “Do you miss giving?”

 Cat frowned.  “I... I don’t ... a little, yes.  But it doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”

“I know.”  Kara had that faint little curlicue smile.  “But I just wondered.  You wish you could make me feel good in the same ways that I do for you, right?”

Cat nodded, and kissed Kara’s mouth again.  “Yes, darling, I wish I could.  But you’ve worked so hard to find ways for us to have intimacy that are still okay for you, and I appreciate that.  I don’t need to do those things for you if that’s not what you want.”  She stroked Kara’s muscled shoulder with one delicate finger.  “I want to do things for you that you like.”

Kara seemed satisfied with this and curled up again.  “I like backrubs,” she murmured into Cat’s chest.  After a short nap, Cat decided to get up.  She yawned and stretched.  “I need a shower,” she declared. 

“I’ll miss you,” Kara called after her as she walked toward the bathroom. 

Cat felt like the hot water was washing away all the awfulness of the last several weeks.  She appreciated now the finality of Lena’s departure last night.  She was right.  They had gone momentarily insane, but now it was done.  She was going to stay with this beautiful young woman who she cared so deeply for, and she would get her head straight.  Lena would stay with Veronica and they would work on things, the way you’re supposed to.  And maybe, maybe Kara didn’t need to know after all, maybe she could just let this memory die and do things the way you were supposed to do them.

Cat had let herself forget what she knew about the nature of secrets.

She emerged from the shower in a buoyant mood, wrapped in a thick white towel, ready to get dressed and whisk Kara off for lunch somewhere luxurious.

Kara was sitting on the bed, her back to Cat as she entered the room.  She seemed to be shaking. 

“Kara?”

“Why ... didn’t you ... just ... tell me?”  Kara’s voice was shaking so violently, she could barely get the words out.

Cat froze.  Her stomach dropped into her ankles.  “Tell you...?”  She hoped it was anything but what she thought it was. 

Kara turned around now, and her eyes were red, tears staining her cheeks.  She held up Cat’s phone.  “Lena just texted you.  _Alex knows about us and has made a credible threat.  This needs to stop NOW_.”  Her hand was trembling so fiercely she could barely hold the phone.

Cat’s entire composure crumpled. 

“So I went scrolling back ... and back ...”  Kara’s voice became ragged.  “AND BACK.  Lena sent me a three million dollar painting because she felt guilty!  You were so nice to me this morning because you feel guilty!  You’ve been doing this for almost two months!”

Cat let the towel drop and ran to the bedside.  “Darling, darling, I’m so sorry, I wanted to tell you so many times, and I just didn’t want to hurt you, I didn’t know how to tell you without breaking your heart and...”  The words tumbled out quickly, but Kara wasn’t listening.

“While I was rescuing people from the paper mill, you were having sex with Lena.”

“...darling I know how fragile you are, I see it, you rely on me, I wanted to keep being a safe place for you...”

“While I was visiting Eliza, you were having sex with Lena.”

“...because not many people understand you the way I do, I didn’t want to destroy your trust and not be able to be there for you anymore...”

“While I was investigating the Market District robberies, you were having sex. With.  Lena.”

“...I am so fucking sorry...”  She dropped to her knees in front of Kara, clasped both her hands. “Please, darling, I know you’re so hurt right now and–“

“Cat,” Kara answered with a quiet that spoke untold depths of hurt and rage, “you _don’t_ know.  I have never been able to feel secure with you because I was always afraid I wasn’t enough.  I was always afraid of this exact thing.  And you fulfilled my fears.”  She shook her head.  “I would never do this to you, you know.  Never.”

“I know, I know you wouldn’t.  But darling, you wouldn’t do this to me because you don’t really want sex in the first place­—” Cat tried to protest.

Kara didn’t look at her.  She just scrolled through Cat’s phone.  “I can’t stop thinking about the way you taste,” she read in a dead, expressionless voice.

Cat winced.

“Stop talking to me like that unless you intend to fuck me RIGHT NOW – mm, she gave you all caps, look at that – because the thought of you in those Louboutins and nothing else is just about killing me.”

Cat couldn’t do anything but stare at the floor between her knees.

Kara continued reading back through the texts, torturing both of them for several minutes with some of the juicier things that Cat and Lena had said to each other, until Cat was sobbing with guilt.  Then Kara got up, tossed the phone onto the bed with disgust, and walked to the chair where her street clothes were draped over the back. 

“I don’t know what to do with any of this, Cat,” she said, her voice dead and expressionless.  “So, I’m going to go home, and I’ll talk to you later.  Maybe tonight.”

Cat’s eyes were so blurred and swollen, she could barely see her leave.


	6. The Perfect Storm

When the mind sees something it doesn’t want to comprehend, it fills in the spaces with an alternative explanation.  The dirty texts Kara had read scrolled through her brain, tormenting her as she tried to fill the spaces with an explanation that didn’t involve Cat being a horrible person.  Cat was always demanding, high maintenance, and hard to keep up with even with superpowers.  But she was never terrible, not like this.  She had never lied to Kara before. 

So, Kara’s mind reasoned, what she’d seen didn’t make sense.  She concluded that the fault must lie within herself.  That as she had suspected, she, Supergirl, the last daughter of Krypton, was not enough for Cat Grant.  Her relationship with James had fizzled as soon as it became clear that sex wasn’t on the table, just as most of her others had.  The few that didn’t die around that issue were always something else, something absurd; they turned out to be a supervillain, or a pan-dimensional being who wasn’t interested in consent, or a slave-owning prince of an Earth-conquering race.  Why should it be any different with Cat?  Cat wanted her more, maybe, and tried harder, hung in even after she knew it wasn’t going to be the way she wanted it.  But Kara had to consider that maybe she just couldn’t give Cat what she needed.

She called Alex, who offered to come over and console her.  When Kara declined, Alex offered to go murder Cat and Lena both.  Kara hesitated, but then chuckled in a pained, nervous way, and said no, she just needed to think this through.

Cat’s reason for not telling her, though Kara was angry and not really listening at the moment, had still managed to worm its way into Kara’s brain, and she plucked it out of her memory and turned it around under the light:  _Darling I know how fragile you are, I see it, you rely on me..._

Cat didn’t tell her because she must have thought somehow that she was too emotionally delicate to handle it.  That she would lose her grip and blast open a wall or destroy something or hurt someone.  Cat must have felt that it would have been destructive to the point of being unsafe to tell her the truth sooner.  That had to be it.

She sat cross legged on her bed and stared up at the Braque on her wall.  This was Lena.  Lena should have told her, instead of trying to assuage her guilty conscience by giving Kara a painting that cost more than the entire net worth of the Danvers family. 

That painting needed to be out of her home.

 

 

**

 

Cat’s text to Lena had been short and simple:  _Kara knows._

 Lena tried not to panic and drop the phone.  Veronica was on the couch, half-watching a Simpsons while she tapped out messages on her own phone.  Lena wanted to know:  _What happened?  Is she alright?_  

A few long minutes ticked by and then Cat responded:  _She’s... absorbing it.  We haven’t spoken since this afternoon when she found our texts. I’m giving her space.  Suggest you do the same._

Lena got up and wandered into the kitchen to get herself a glass of seltzer with a little wedge of lime in it.  She’d gone uptown that morning and retrieved a few boxes’ worth of items she’d once considered essential but somehow managed to live without since unofficially moving in with Ronnie last year:  some favorite books, a few formal outfits, her stuffed tiger, sweaters, some paintings, a few kitchen gadgets that she was happy to see again.  She wasn’t about to sell the place, because it was worth owning simply as property, but she stripped it nearly bare and moved it all down to the place she shared with Veronica.  It was the kind of task that she’d probably have asked for Kara’s help with, but she’d taken Alex’s words very much to heart. 

It wasn’t clear from Cat’s texts how Kara had found out, or what exactly she knew.  The news weighed heavy as she sat at the island in the immaculate white kitchen and contemplated the arc of their friendship.  Kara had been the first person to treat her with sincere kindness when she’d moved here.  Kara had believed in her so many times when other people were ready to assume the worst.  Lena had thought at one point that maybe she could fall for her, but in a moment of oversharing late one night, Kara confessed that she was and had always been utterly asexual, and Lena simply knew she wouldn’t be able to deal with that.  So, she’d let the idea go.

And springs became summers, and they were each other’s wingman at parties, and watched each other’s backs.  Kara saved Lena more times than they could count.  Lena had saved Kara, if not quite as many times.  The only person in Kara’s life who’d saved her more times was Alex, actually.  Lena had always been proud of that distinction. 

And she had burned all of that down, and for what?  Because Cat looked like she was starving, and Lena was something to eat.  Because Ronnie was a little bit tepid.  Because, Lena realized with a stab of regret, she was just as needy as Cat, ached to feel wanted just as badly.  And because, as she had come to realize, busy people, when they want to fuck, fuck who’s close to them.  She and Cat were the perfect storm of unmet needs, raging insecurities, and proximity.  Not that it was inevitable, as nothing ever is, but it wasn’t hard to see how it had all come about.  Lena would never have thought of herself as the kind of person who would do what she had done.  But the further into the mess she got, the less mysterious it was.

A high pitched electronic sound pierced into her thoughts:  _beeeep, beeeep, beeeep...._ The smoke alarm?  Veronica called in from the living room, “Lena, are you cooking something?”

“No,” Lena called back, bewildered.  Only now did she begin to smell any smoke.  She wandered out into the living room and then back toward the terrace, where she could see flickering lights that looked, indeed, very much like flames.  She broke into a run and could see what it was before she had even reached the glass door.  It was out on the balcony, leaned up against the railing, sending thick black streaks of smoke into the sunset.

It was Still Life with Violin and Candlesticks.  And it was on fire.


	7. Half Out of Spite

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hang on to your butts. ;)

The claims adjuster pushed his glasses up his nose, which was wrinkled with displeasure at the lingering smell of burning paint.  “And you say this got here how?”

Lena sighed.  “A superhero placed it here and lit it on fire.”

He looked at his clipboard for a moment and then sighed in response.  “I’m just going to put ‘act of God’, alright?”  He looked up.  “Any idea why they might have done that?”

Lena frowned.  “I gave it to her as a gift and then she found out I was sleeping with her girlfriend.”

He arched an eyebrow and made another note.  “Sorry I asked.”

He asked a few more questions, decided to change the category to “vandalism” and left, promising her that she should see a check within a few weeks.  Apart from the loss of the actual art, she would come out ahead.  She’d be getting almost twice what she paid from the insurance.  And all she’d had to do was betray her best friend and endanger her relationship with her girlfriend.

Veronica had looked skeptically at her while she attacked the burning painting with the fire extinguisher.  “Why would she have done that?” she demanded, when Lena was finished.

“She’s angry with me.”

“Clearly.  But why?”

So they’d sat down and talked about it.  Lena told her everything.  It was hard to read Veronica’s reaction.  She almost seemed to half expect it.  “Well, Cat Grant is a spitfire, I imagine it was hard to pass on her if she was laying it on as thick as you say.”

Lena frowned.  “Shouldn’t you be angrier?”

Veronica shrugged.  “We’re all human.  I don’t want Supergirl pissed off at me, but I also don’t see why this has to end us.”  She considered Lena for a moment.  “Does this end us?  Is Cat Grant a threat to our relationship, or the end of it?”

Lena rubbed her temples.  “I don’t know.  I don’t think she’s a factor in it at all, at this point.”

Veronica seemed to weigh this answer.  “I think you should spend the night at your place, because I need to think about it a little.  But... I think I’m willing to continue this if you are, even under the circumstances.”

On the one hand, Lena was relieved that Ronnie was taking it in stride, or seemed to be.  On the other hand, a part of her wished that she would get upset, that she would be angry, possessive, hurt, that she would act like Lena meant something to her.  The same old frustration kicked in. And now, Lena had plenty of time to fret and stew in it. 

She went up to her place, her sad, half-empty place, and laid on the couch, and stared at the blank walls, and scanned the sky for answers.  She found none.

Her mother, she mused, had not responded as badly to her being bisexual as she’d expected.  She was more upset at the prospect of Lena dating an alien than another woman, or so she said.  But she’d never particularly approved of any of her girlfriends, least of all Veronica, who she labeled a “common gangster.”  Lena never ceased to be amused at the hypocrisy of this; genocide was okay in Lillian’s book, but book-making and off-world smuggling was a disqualifier.  She couldn’t help wondering if she was staying half out of spite.  Why _had_ she committed to Ronnie?  Because she wanted to be there?  Or because she just didn’t think she was going to do better?  And what about Kara?  What the hell was she going to do about Kara?

 

 

**

 

 

Kara showed up at Cat’s penthouse around 8, touching down lightly on the balcony and letting herself in.  Cat looked up when she entered but didn’t speak.  They regarded each other for a few moments in silence.  Kara’s hands clenched and unclenched.

“I want to forgive you,” she finally began.  “But I don’t know if I can.  I want to try.  But you really hurt me.”

Cat’s chin trembled but she held her composure. 

“If you really wanted sex that much, the way you’re used to having It, why didn’t you tell me?”

Cat wiped her eyes once, angrily.  She hated crying and especially didn’t want to do it now.  “What would it change?  You’re already giving all you can.  You’ve already stretched as far as you can go.”

“You didn’t give me the chance,” Kara pressed.  She came closer.  Cat dropped down to sit on the couch.  Kara sat next to her and looked her squarely in the face.  “Maybe I couldn’t give you what you needed that way but we could have talked about it.  I mean, maybe we could have done something ... non-traditional, or something!  I don’t know.  But you didn’t give me the opportunity, and that’s what hurts the most.  You waited until it became such a problem that you had sex with my best friend and then lied to me about it, for months.”

Cat’s heart broke all over again.  “You know, it was your integrity that made me love you.”

Kara’s eyes welled up a little.  “Yeah, among other things.  I know.  But it was yours, too.  You were always my rock, Cat.  This thing doesn’t even make sense to me.”

They sat in silence, shedding quiet tears for a few moments.

Kara continued.  “I’m done with Lena.  I’ve let her know that in pretty clear terms.”

“You spoke?”

“No, I left the Braque on her terrace and lit it on fire.”

 “Oh.”

“But you were the first time I felt like I had something real, something that was a little bit normal.  So, I’m not ready to give that up. I want to try and forgive you.  But I might not be able to, and you should know that going in.”

Cat’s heart was lodged in her stomach.  She bit her lip.  “I didn’t want to hurt you.  I’ll give you total transparency, whatever you need to feel comfortable.  You can read my emails, check my texts–“

“I’m not interested in being your jailer,” Kara interrupted her.  “I just want you to show me that you understand how you made me feel, and that you care.”

Cat nodded, choking back tears.  She stroked Kara’s cheek.  “I do understand, Kara.  I really do.  I have very few regrets in my life, I think you know that.  But hurting you is probably the greatest one.  You trusted me, and you were trying, and I didn’t treat you like the brilliant, mature woman that you are.”

Kara took Cat by the shoulders.  “You really want to have sex with me, don’t you.”

Cat nodded, shamefaced and began to sob.  “Yes, always.  I always did.  Even before I thought you could ever feel any kind of way about me.”

Kara put a finger under Cat’s chin and tilted her face up, gazing into it for what felt like several minutes.  Then she pushed Cat down on the couch with a sudden firmness and kissed her aggressively, in a way that startled Cat, woke her lust, raised her alarm bells and overwhelmed her with grief all in one moment of Kara’s mouth pressing into hers and Kara’s teeth digging into her lower lip.  “So important to you,” Kara muttered.

“I’m sorry...”  Cat rasped, her voice sticking in her throat as Kara’s mouth moved roughly down her neck. 

Kara was barely listening.  She was just pulling Cat’s clothes off and making her way down Cat’s chest, kissing and biting and sending hot stabs of –what?  Pain?  Pleasure?  Cat wasn’t even sure– along her nerves.  “This is my fault, I’m not enough for you...” she was muttering.

Cat felt her moving down to pull her pants off and she pleaded, “Kara... no, it’s not your fault... please, you’re everything I ever wanted...”

“Except I don’t like to fuck and that’s what you want.”  Kara’s voice was determined now but shaded with pain and anger.  She was tugging Cat’s pants off. 

Cat grabbed at her wrists.  “Kara, stop.  You don’t ... this isn’t what you want, I know it’s not.  You only ever did those things because I wanted them, not because you wanted them, that was the problem, don’t you understand?”

Kara stopped.  She had worked Cat’s pants down past her knees.  Tears started to spill down her cheeks.  “Then what do I do, Cat? What do I do to make this relationship someplace you can stay?”

“I don’t know...” Cat’s voice was a choked whisper.  “But more sacrifices from you isn’t the answer.”  Guilt crushed her heart now.  She had done something terrible and Kara’s response was to blame herself and try to give more. 

Cat heard the sound of ripping fabric as Kara tore her underwear off with one hand.  “I just want you to be mine, Cat.  If this is how I make you mine, then I don’t care.”  She settled on top of Cat and pushed their mouths together in a rough kiss.

“Darling...” Cat tried to protest.

But then Kara’s fingers pushed into her and she gasped and her body gave itself up to what was happening.  “Are you mine?” Kara demanded in a harsh whisper as her fingers moved in and out of Cat, hard and fast.

“YES.”

“Say you don’t want anyone else but me."

Cat’s hips rocked against Kara’s thrusts.  “I don’t want anyone else but you.”

“Tell me you love me.”

“I love you, Kara.  I love you, I’m so sorry, I love you...”

And then any more words got buried under another rough kiss and Kara’s thrusts increased in their intensity until Cat spilled over into a sudden, blazing-hot orgasm.  They lay like that, both weeping and emotionally spent, for several minutes.  She couldn’t see Kara’s face because it was buried in the curve of her neck, but she could feel the hot tears spilling down onto her skin.

“You shouldn’t have done that...” Cat said wearily.

“I know.”  Kara stood up and, her face still stained with tears, she wiped her hand on her jeans.  “All I wanted was you, Cat.  But maybe this just isn’t right.”

“Kara...” 

“If you want this, I have to see it.  You have to show me.  I love you Cat, but right now, I hate you.  And I need you to make me not hate you.  I need you to sacrifice.  I need you to show me that this means everything in the world to you and even then, I can’t promise that I’ll be able to forgive you and keep going with this.  But if you want it, that’s what you have to do.  You have to try.”

Cat closed her eyes.  When she opened them, Kara was gone.


	8. The Liberation of Honesty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A sorbet to cleanse the palate. :)

“I don’t mind so much that you slept with Cat,” Veronica said.  “I mean, I don’t love it, obviously, but I understand how that kind of thing can happen.” 

“Have you ever?”

“Slept with someone else?  No.  Not with you.  In some of my other relationships I have, though.”  She examined the uncomfortable look on Lena’s face as she said this, and went on, giving her a knowing look.  “So, I understand how and why it happens.  No, I’m not as upset about that as I am about you lying to me about it.  I never lie to you, Lena.  I’m always honest with you.  And that’s what we’re going to have to work on if you’re really committed to trying to keep going with this.”

It felt more like a business negotiation than a conversation about whether or not to keep their relationship together.  But Lena supposed she appreciated Veronica’s generosity about the whole thing and that alone was reason enough to stay and work through it. 

She and Kara hadn’t spoken.  A dozen times over, she’d written and trashed a letter, trying to find words to apologize for what she’d done.  But what could she say?  Kara had made herself clear when she left the painting burning on the terrace.  Still.  She remembered over and over all the bricks that built their friendship, one by one.  The time Kara took a hurtling slab of concrete in the chest for her.  The time Lena had set off an EMP grenade and disabled the Kryptonite guns that were trained on Kara.  The visits.  Kara stopping by with bags of donuts.  The time she filled Kara’s office with flowers (that had been when she thought she might be falling for her but still... it was part of their story).  She had regrets about Cat, that she had been so brusque in ending it, because Lena had honestly liked her and under different circumstances might have really enjoyed being with her, but it was Kara that weighed in her heart, and that seemed to get no lighter for the passage of time.

So she did what she hadn’t done before.  She talked to Veronica about all of it.  How easy it was to get whipped up into the tornado of Cat’s passion and sex appeal, how it happened because she felt sometimes that Veronica didn’t care.  She told her how much she missed Kara.  On days when she was craving something more, or different, when she was missing Kara’s benevolent warmth or Cat’s spark, she was blunt about it.  Veronica let her vent, and would sometimes propose a solution, or sometimes just validate her feelings and let her work through them.  There was a wisdom to it, frankly.  Everything was on the table, and the only rule was complete truthfulness.  It was freedom, in its way.

She hired a new CFO, Samantha.  Samantha was intelligent and warm and by all accounts seemed to have a good, kind heart.  She found herself talking about Sam a lot.   Veronica asked her, “Are you into her?”

Lena shrugged.  She had her suspicions that Samantha was just as out of reach as Kara had been, and possibly for the same reasons.  “I don’t know.  She’s a lot like Kara.”

Veronica nodded.  “Well, you’ll tell me if you feel like it’s starting to become a thing.”

“Of course.”  And she meant it.

 

 

**

 

 

Kara wasn’t trying to be difficult, but she found that sometimes she wanted the comfort of Cat holding her and sometimes she didn’t want Cat anywhere near her.  Cat was given to all kinds of romantic gestures now, where she had rarely been that way before.  Creative ones, too.  Not just throwing jewelry and flowers at her.  She bought Kara a telescope so that she could see Krypton’s star system anytime she wanted.  She planned a vacation for them and they went to Bora Bora and stayed in a hotel with glass floors where they could watch the fish flit past underneath their feet and breakfast was brought to them by boat.  She made it a point to always check in with her and let her know where she was, what she was doing, and let her know that she was thinking about her:  _Carter has his moving-up ceremony at the middle school.  I’m heading over there now.  I know you have to work but I’ll give him your love._

And then later would come another text, a picture of her and Carter grinning into the camera.  She did it lovingly, and without resentment.  She always checked in.  She asked for nothing.  And sometimes it was alright.  Sometimes they could enjoy a Sunday breakfast or a weekend trip to the mountains or the beach without a problem.  They could hold each other in the dark and spend twenty minutes kissing goodnight and it would be perfectly fine.

But Kara was also on a hair trigger.  Sometimes Cat would use an expression that she used to hear out of Lena’s mouth, or order the same drink that Lena often drank, and Kara would stiffen, and go silent, and not want to talk to Cat for the rest of the night.  Once, they were supposed to go to a gala and Cat picked her up wearing the same Bruno Maglis that Lena owned, that they’d both shown up wearing that one evening what felt like ages ago, and Kara couldn’t bring herself to get in the car.  They went to an Abstract Expressionists exhibit at the Nat City Modern, and they walked through a room with a wall filled with Braques, and that was the end of the afternoon for Kara. 

Kara had her own grief process to go through, not only for the hole Cat had punched in their relationship, but for the loss of her closest friend.  Yes, she had other friends, and she had Alex of course, but she and Lena had understood each other in a particular way.  There was no replacement for that.

And Cat simply bore it.  She reassured her constantly that Lena was no longer an issue and that Kara was the only thing that mattered now.  She seemed sincere.  She was doing everything right.  But still.  Kara had warned Cat that it might not be enough. 

And then came the letter from Lena.

It showed up on an unremarkable day.  It wasn’t an email.  It was an actual letter, written in Lena’s long, slanted hand, in real ink on real, thick creamy stationery.  Kara didn’t want to read it.  But nevertheless, she did.

 

_Kara,_

_I didn’t write you an email because I was afraid you’d delete it._

_I don’t expect anything from you.  You don’t have to reply.  I’m not looking for that._

_I can’t and won’t ask you for your forgiveness for what I did to you, because it’s unforgivable.  I don’t know what you and Cat have been through, but I hope that you’ve decided to work through it.  She loves you, Kara, and I’m quite sure she always has.  Even when she and I were involved, it was always obvious to me how much she loved you and how much you meant to her._

_One thing I’ve learned in all of this is the liberation of brutal honesty.  So I’m going to tell you, Kara, that I love you.  Not romantically (though I thought maybe I did, at one point.  Guess you dodged a bullet there).  But I have never had another friend like you.  As brave, as loyal, as downright good.  Powers or no powers, super suit or no super suit._

_I want you to know how sorry I am for what I did.  You’re too good and I didn’t deserve your friendship.  I let my own unhappiness and fear and selfishness cloud my judgment.  But I miss you every day.  And if you ever need anything, I’ll still be here for you.  Know that no matter what happens, you will never have a fiercer advocate or anyone more willing to drop everything at a moment’s notice to give you whatever you need._

_I wish you all the happiness you deserve._

_All the Best,_

_Lena_

 

 

Kara cursed under her breath.  She felt sure she would never write back, never take her up on that offer of “whatever you need”.  She tossed the letter aside.

But she didn’t burn it.


	9. Going to Break Her Heart

Cat hadn’t spoken to Lena in the entire time since she and Kara had decided to try to put things back together.  She felt wrong about this sometimes, as if she should have put some kind of better cap on what had happened between them.  But she’d promised Kara that she would have zero contact and so she kept her promise on that.  It was actually amazing, the extent to which she managed to avoid running into Lena, being that they moved in a lot of the same circles. 

She was living too much on a knife’s edge at the moment to worry a lot about what her feelings for Lena had or hadn’t been.  Under different, better circumstances, they had enough in common that they might have enjoyed being together as lovers, and god knew they were sexually compatible.  She hoped that Lena was working things out with Veronica, or that she had maybe decided to move on and find something that gave her more of the passion she seemed to crave.

It was difficult trying to anticipate Kara’s needs and avoid every last thing that could trigger her.  It didn’t work a lot of the time.  But sometimes it did, and those times were golden.  She didn’t care so much about the sex.  She still missed it, but she was just trying to get them over the hump, trying to get them past the place where everything was still so raw and hurt so much.  They could deal with it later.  Or not.  She just wanted to stop Kara’s hurting.

Sooner or later, though, it happened.  She was at a symposium for female executives and Lena was there, chatting with some stunning, dewy-cheeked brunette who, according to her assistant, was the new CFO of L Corp.  Cat couldn’t help wondering if it was purely business.  She stifled the thought and approached them.

Lena glanced at Cat and finished her sentence before greeting her.  “...and that’s really something I think you shouldn’t be afraid of.  I mean, look at the good that others in your position have been able to do.  Hello, Cat.”  Her tone was cool, cautious.  Her smile was polite and didn’t reach all the way to her eyes.

“Lena.”  She turned to the brunette and stuck a hand out.  “Cat Grant.”

“Oh, I know who you are,” the brunette replied.  “Samantha Arias.  A pleasure.”

“Lena, I don’t suppose I could have a word?”

Lena hesitated and glanced at Samantha.  Samantha waved her dismissively.  “Please, I’m fine.  I could use a trip to the juice bar anyhow.”  She glided away 

“New girlfriend?” Cat inquired, not maliciously, just genuinely curious.

“New CFO.  That’s all,” Lena answered tersely.

Cat nodded and didn’t say more about it.  “You manage to work things out with Ronnie?”

Lena glanced around, considering how much she wanted to get into it here.  “Yeah.  She’s forgiven me and we’ve decided to keep on with it.  There’s not a lot of passion, but there’s honesty and freedom and that’s enough for me right now.”

Cat had the thought that it sounded like something Lena had told herself over and over in the intervening months.  “Mm,” was all she said, a polite little noise of acknowledgement.

“What about Kara?” Lena asked.  “Are you still together?”

Cat nodded.  “Yes.  It feels kind of touch and go, to be honest.  I’m trying to fix it.  We’ll see.”  She gazed over at the juice bar, where Samantha was ordering.  “She won’t say she misses you, but I know she does.”

Lena smiled bitterly.  “We really fucked up, didn’t we. 

“Mm, we did.”

“Do you think we could have had something, the three of us, if we hadn’t been so stupid about it?”

“The thought hadn’t crossed my mind.”  Cat shrugged.  “I don’t know.  I just ... look, I know I was... I came on strong, I initiated, and I’m sorry for my role in that.”

Lena looked uncomfortable.  “Look, I didn’t have to go with it either. I don’t think either one of us bears any more blame than the other.”

Cat sighed.  Samantha was coming back with a closed-top cup of something foamy and red.  Cat nodded.  “Bad judgment all around.  Here comes your CFO.”  She reached out and grasped Lena’s hand.  It was warm and soft and strong, as she remembered it.  Her tone became brisk.  “Thanks for giving me a minute.  I’m glad we got the chance to discuss this.  I’m heading to that media buying roundtable now, but it was good to see you.”

Lena gave her a smile that was a little more genuine than the first, and shook her hand in reply.  “Yes.  Likewise.  Enjoy the roundtable.  I’ll see you when I see you.”

Cat walked away.  She had the decency not to comment on the fact that once again, they had been wearing the same shoes.

 

 

**

 

Lena had never gotten as far as developing a crush on Samantha.  She was able to spot a Kryptonian pretty quickly after being close with Kara for so long, and Sam had set off a number of bells during the course of their getting to know one another.  What were the odds, she wondered, of another one coming into her orbit like this?

The confrontation they’d had about it was a gentle one, and Lena encouraged her to consider using her powers, which she had been afraid to do up till now.  She felt a kind of strange obligation to support and look out for her in that way, to back her up in ways that she could no longer do for Kara.  Veronica didn’t quite believe at first that that was all it was, but Lena had so gotten into the habit of telling her the unvarnished truth these days, that it didn’t take much pushback to convince her. 

Ronnie was insistent that she didn’t care if it was that, she just wanted to know.  “I know I’ve not been around a lot, trying to close this deal with the Ko’veli, so if you’re lonely or something, I’ll understand.  I just want you to keep me in the loop.”

Lena smiled and kissed her cheek.  “I swear you’ll be the first to know if it looks like it’s going that way, but I honestly don’t think so.”  She squeezed her shoulder with affection.  “I hope you’re being careful with the Ko’veli, Ronnie.  They’re dangerous, and I don’t like the fact that they’re coming here instead of meeting somewhere neutral.”

Ronnie patted Lena’s hand.  “I know what I’m doing, honey, don’t worry.  I’ll have my guys in there and a few guys from Hong Kong.  It’ll be fine.”  She kissed Lena’s cheek again.  “But it’s sweet that you’re concerned.”

 

 

**

 

Kara was on edge.  She’d been hearing chatter for weeks that there was going to be a fairly large arms deal, a shipment of alien weapons that was to be coming through, brokered by gangsters in Hong Kong and paid for by none other than Veronica Sinclair.  She must have considered a dozen times over whether to call Lena and try to get information from her, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it.  She had other sources.  She’d just have to work harder.

Besides, Lena had always said that Veronica didn’t divulge a lot about her business dealings with Lena.  Sinclair, Ltd. had legitimate interests of course, but regarding the shadier stuff, she was known to be rather circumspect. 

So she just kept her ears open.  She was edgier than usual with Cat.  She could see Cat was working so hard to repair what had been broken, but she didn’t have the emotional resources now to give herself to trying, too.  And sometimes that was what it was.  She had to try and appreciate how kind and caring Cat was being, she had to try to forget what had happened.  The truth was, Cat was just about perfect.  And that, she realized as she sat on her rooftop one night, was the problem. 

Cat was doing everything as right as she could.  And Kara was finding that she was getting to the place where she was going to have to trust her again if they were going to keep doing this.  Cat was putting A-plus effort in.  If she was going to stay in this, Kara was going to have to let go and love her back, trust her again.

But she realized, as she sat, listening to the cars and the subway and the waves of the ocean and the planes overhead and the sounds, the sounds, conversations near and far, a lover’s quarrel, heartbeats of people she didn’t know, she realized... she couldn’t.  She couldn’t do it.

It wasn’t vengeance.  It wasn’t vindictiveness.  She wanted to trust Cat again.  But she couldn’t.  And if she couldn’t do it, there was no point in making her work this hard.  And no point in staying in this thing at all.

She didn’t want to wait till morning.  Suddenly she was itching with urgency to get this conversation over with, for both of their sakes.  She stood up, shot upward into the sky, and soared uptown over the building tops to Cat’s penthouse.  She was going to break her heart.

 


	10. Gifts

Cat had known.  In her gut, she had known.  The damage had been done.  It wasn’t a surprise that Kara had decided she couldn’t anymore, or that she turned up late at night on her balcony to tell her so in a sad, rushed declaration of farewell.  They held each other for a while.  They cried.  They kissed, so many sad, weeping kisses.  Kara was a star, and she deserved to shine in someone else’s arms now. 

Cat watched her shoot across the sky and whispered her goodbyes.  She drank too much, slept late, went into the office with large Chanel sunglasses shielding her eyes from scrutiny.  It was a strange species of relief, not having to walk on eggshells anymore or constantly account for her whereabouts.  But the price, of course, was that now, once again, she was alone.

 

**

 

“Do you think I’m really ready?” Samantha was asking anxiously.

Lena looked at her, suited up in black and looking strong and powerful.  They’d gone together to Lena’s estate in the Hills, and Lena had watched her take her powers for a few spins.  She’d been letting Samantha use the estate to practice on weekends.  She was getting more confident. 

“Yes,” Lena said, “definitely.”

“Do you think Supergirl will be happy to see another ... you know... one of us?”

Lena smiled sadly.  “Yes, I think so.  She’s just like you, Sam.  A good soul, through and through.  But she’s actually... pretty lonely.”

Sam smiled back. “Think you could introduce us?”

Lena laughed.  “Oh, she’s a little upset with me at the moment.”

“What’d you do?”

Lena shook her head, still smiling that pained smile.  “We’re not good enough friends for me to tell you that yet.”

Samantha grinned.  “OK.  I’ll take a rain check.”  She gazed out over the water.  “I’m going to take another spin.”

Lena waved her off.  “Go.  I’ll be here.”

She watched Samantha take off from the flagstones of the patio and arc upwards into the midnight blue.  It never failed to take her breath away, not when Kara did it, and not when Sam did it.  How someone who seemed so human in every way could leave the grip of gravity and take off on the air like an angel always felt like magic, even though Lena understood all the physics involved perfectly.  Her mind was a scientist’s mind, but her heart was a different story.

Now though, they were working in concert.

Her phone buzzed.  She checked it.  A text from Cat.  It said simply: _Kara has ended things.  In case you wanted to know._

Lena smiled to herself.  Yes, in fact, she did want to know.  Kara may not want anything to do with her anymore, she thought, but she could still give her a gift.

 

 

**

 

Veronica wore a suit that was so sharply tailored, it looked like you’d cut your finger if you tried to touch her elbow.  It made angles of all her long, slim curves.  She looked like a million bucks, or more accurately, if you counted her jewelry it was probably closer to 1.6.  She had the best of her grunts with her, a handful of big, thick guys, some human, some not, all relatively scary looking.  She had the Hong Kong contingent.  By all indications, this would be a by the numbers sort of thing.  All her people had to do was stand around and look scary, which they were good at.  And if it turned out that it had to be more than that, well, they could do that too.

She’d told Lena where she was going to be right before she left.  Just in case.  You never could be too careful. 

This part of the Westside piers was always pretty deserted, so it was an ideal place to get a shipment of anything in.  She’d bought off Customs and Hong Kong had taken care of NORAD.  The freighter dropped out of FTL about twenty miles out to sea and moved silently over the water to where she and her crew waited.  They would bring the skiff into the unused warehouse and exchange:  Ko’veli weapons for a few tons of pressed platinum bars.  She knew she could move those hand cannons for three times what she was paying for them.  The military gray market for starters.  Hell, even the DEO would probably want some.  They’d be crazy not to.

They ushered the silent ship into the giant metal building.  She and her crew waited until the hatch in the ship’s side opened.  Falvian Lo-Feti stepped out, dressed in lurid orange and sporting a bandolier.  They were flanked by four guards in red, armed with the very pulse rifles Veronica intended to buy from them.  “I see you rely on your own merchandise.  I thought the rule was never dip into your own stash,” she remarked.  It was a joke, but her delivery was cool as a martini.

“That’s only for Spices,” Falvian answered, grinning a disturbingly toothy grin.  “What kind of arms dealer would I be if I didn’t trust my own guns?”

She nodded acknowledgement.  There was something different about the ones they were carrying. They weren’t the same as the samples she’d seen in Hong Kong.  Those glowed blue.  These were glowing green.  Now, there were certainly plenty of substances in the galaxy that glowed green, but Falvian had indicated during the Hong Kong meeting that they were aware of Kryptonians’ presence on earth and had expressed some concern about their plans being interfered with by “do-gooder test tube babies”.

“Are those for the do-gooder test tube babies?” she inquired.

Falvian nodded.  “I didn’t want to take chances.”

“I don’t keep that type of company.”

Falvian gazed levelly at her for a moment. Finally, they said, “So.  Let’s see what you brought me, lovely.”

Veronica waved a hand and one of her thugs came forward, pushing a floating handcart with several black reinforced PVC lock-cases stacked on it.  She opened the two cases sitting on top.  Neatly stacked bars of platinum gleamed from within.

Falvian nodded with satisfaction.  “You are indeed good on your word, Miss Sinclair.”

“So,” Veronica pressed, closing the cases briskly.  “Let’s see what you’ve brought me.”

Falvian sighed.  “Well, I’m afraid that instead of what was originally discussed, we’ve brought something else.”

“And what might that be?”

They gestured to the rifles in the hands of their guard contingent.  “These.”

They opened fire.


	11. An Ugly Stick

Lena was pacing around the kitchen, feeling restless and confined.  Ronnie had made her promise not to spy on her, not out of distrust, but for her own safety.  She hated feeling like there was nothing she could do.  But it wouldn’t do to have L Corp’s fingerprints anywhere near this thing and they both knew it.

Idly, as she paced, she wondered whether Cat was doing alright.  Her text regarding the breakup had been terse and there had been no reply when Lena texted back later, _I’m sorry to hear that._ Just as well, she supposed.  What did Lena have to offer her anyway?  After the intense sexual relationship they’d had (god, she still shivered when she thought of how they couldn’t stop themselves) what was there, really?  She could almost imagine a friendship with Cat, but it would feel strange without Kara.  And although she had Veronica’s express permission to sometimes have a side thing if she felt she needed it, Lena preferred to leave it alone.  Ronnie never had, so why should she?

Her phone lit up on the countertop.  It was Ronnie.  Lena jumped.  She picked up on the first ring.  “Ronnie?”  She heard a lot of chaos at the other end.  Crashing, what sounded like weapons fire.  Her stomach knotted up.  “Ronnie, what’s going on?”

Another pregnant pause filled with yelling and weapons fire.  “Lena ... listen to me...”

“Did it go sideways?”

“Yeah babe, it went sideways.  I don’t know if I’m gonna make it out.  We’re pinned back...”

“Ronnie!!”

“I love you, okay?”

Shit.  Ronnie didn’t say that very often.  _She must really think she’s fucked_.  “I love you too, Ronnie...”

Then there was a sound so loud that it blew out the speaker on the phone for a moment.  It sounded like heavy, thick metal, tearing.

“Shit!” Ronnie yelled.  “Your girl is here!”

“Supergirl?”

“Yeah.  Shit!  She’s gotta leave, these guys have kryptonite pulse guns and–“

There was more racket and then, the line went dead.  Lena’s heart pounded in her throat.  “Ronnie!”  But the call had ended. 

“Shit!”  Lena cried, and resisted the urge to throw the phone across the room.  She took a breath, and then dialed Samantha.

“Sam?  How would you like to meet Supergirl? Like, right now.”

 

 

**

 

Kara had torn a giant hole in the warehouse’s roof, and light, cool rain was sifting in.  She was lying on the cement with a kryptonite-laced disruptor burn on her shoulder.  She couldn’t believe how much it hurt.  She saw the Ko’veli gangsters moving across the warehouse toward where Sinclair and her people had barricaded themselves behind some casings.  The apparent leader of the group was stalking toward her through the oily, greenish flames cris-crossing the warehouse floor.  Even through her pain-blurry vision she thought, _This guy looks like a real dick._

Kara Danvers had her informants, people she could tap through Maggie’s contacts, and she’d gotten the information on this drop.  It seemed clear from the mess that was unfolding that the Ko’veli were trying to keep the weapons and take Sinclair’s money, and wipe her and her crew off the planet to boot.  She could have sat this out entirely and Earth would have avoided flooding the market with alien weapons, she thought bitterly as the vaguely androgynous figure of the Ko’veli prefect moved toward her, brandishing a Kryptonite pulse-gun.  There was only one reason for her to do anything other than try to beat it out of here, and that was to rescue Veronica Sinclair.  And the only reason to rescue Veronica Sinclair was because, she was forced to admit in this particular split-second, she still cared for Lena.  She’d heard enough through the grapevine to know that they’d worked things out after the affair.  She’d never forgive Lena, but she couldn’t let her feel the pain of losing her lover this way, not if she could help it.

She groaned and tried to get up.  She was still wounded and smarting.  She couldn’t really see very well what was going on in the far corner but it wasn’t good.

The Ko’veli prefect was now a few feet in front of her.  “Kryptonians,” the prefect sneered.  “So moral, so high and mighty.  You all think you’re better than everyone else.”

“Better than you,” she shot back.  She had no play, here.  Best to keep 'em talking.

“Is that why your planet imploded?” 

“No, it’s why your face imploded!  You look like your mother hit you with...”  She scrambled for some of those colorful insults that Alex and Maggie sometimes threw around.  “...an ugly stick!”

The rifle leveled with her head.  “And you look like a test tube baby whose time is just about up.”  The choke pulled and the gun started to whine.

Kara closed her eyes.  She opened them in time to see the wall beside her burst open and a black blur come tearing through, knock the prefect clean across the room and into the bow of his ship, and separate him from his rifle.  Kara shook her head.  Alex wasn’t that fast.  What the hell?

She saw a shape, slim and strong, a woman’s shape.  She saw the woman pick the prefect up and knock him against the hull again.  He crumpled onto the cement. 

“Secure him!” Kara cried.  She didn’t know who this person was but they’d shown up just in time.

The woman turned around and looked quizzically at her.

Kara pointed to a steel beam.  “Can you bend that?”

She nodded.

“Wrap it around him so he can’t go anywhere.”

As she was doing this, a dozen DEO agents came streaming through the yawning opening facing the water.  Three more, led by Alex, came zipping down through the hole in the ceiling, accompanied by the deafening buzz of choppers.  Kara breathed a sigh of relief as she watched them take out the Ko’veli in the corner who had pinned Veronica and her people down. 

The woman came over to Kara and offered a hand.  Kara took it gratefully and stood up.  “Thanks,” she breathed.

The woman looked at her with concern.  “Are you okay, Supergirl?”

Kara nodded.  “Yeah... I mean...” She pointed at her shoulder.  “It’s going to take me a minute to heal that, but... yeah.”  She peered at the pretty brunette.  “Do you, uh, have a name?”

She smiled, a little shyly, Kara thought.  “I don’t know, I’m still thinking of one.”

Kara chuckled a little.  “OK, well, what about a person name, not a superhero name?”

“Oh, that.  Samantha.”

Kara squeezed her hand and felt the strength of her grip in response.  “Well, Samantha, it’s great to meet you.  You can call me Kara.”

“OK, Kara.”

Kara scratched her head for a moment.  As the pain subsided enough for her to start to think more clearly, she asked, “So... how did you ... I mean, where did you ... come from?”

“Lena Luthor is a friend of mine.  She asked me to come help you.  I guess Veronica called her when the trouble broke out.”

Kara’s heart crumpled a little, just for a moment.  Lena had meant all that stuff in the letter.  Kara was right to trust the instinct in her that said she should try to rescue Veronica, despite her shady dealings, despite their uneasy relationship.

The DEO agents were moving around, bagging up Ko’veli bodies for transport, confiscating the weapons and the platinum, and securing things.  Kara looked over Samantha’s shoulder to the corner.  “We’d better see what’s going on.”

 

 

**

 

 

Lena pulled up to the warehouse and jumped out of the car, and broke into a run, kicking off her heels to dash across the wet asphalt.  She saw a chopper overhead, a couple of black vans, and heard distant sirens indicating that the regular police would be along shortly.  She hoped her call to Alex had been in time to do something.  Or her call to Samantha.

Her chest was aching by the time she reached the warehouse.  The air was thick with a sharp-smelling haze.  She saw Alex and a few other agents ushering one of the vans out.  And then she saw two shapes, side by side, walking through the cloudy night: unmistakably, Kara and Sam.  And Sam was carrying someone in her arms, limp and possibly unconscious.  She ran forward to them and saw that it was Veronica.

Sam gave her an apologetic look.  Kara had a hand on Sam’s back. 

“Is she...” Lena began, not wanting to say it out loud.

Kara shook her head.  “No, but ... she took disruptor hits.  I don’t think she’s got very long.”

Lena bit her lip and took Veronica’s face between her hands.  She wouldn’t cry.  Ronnie wouldn’t want that.  She leaned down to kiss her sweaty forehead and heard her whisper, “How many cases...?”

“What, baby?  How many cases?”

“How many cases...?”

Lena looked at Kara.  “What does she mean?”

“Cases of weapons,” Kara guessed.  “Alex’s team confiscated five.”

“There’s one more case,” Veronica whispered.  Her eyes were still closed.  “But it’s not for the DEO.  Look on the ship.”

“What is it, baby?” Lena struggled to keep the urgency and grief from her voice.

“It’s for you...”

Ronnie’s body went slack and Sam shifted her to support her weight.  Kara dashed inside.  Lena kept stroking Ronnie’s damp forehead and trying to ignore the tears trying to well up in her eyes.

Kara came back with case, a different shape from the ones being loaded into the vans.  It was flatter, a little smaller.  She knelt down and opened it.

Inside was a painting, exquisitely beautiful.  It looked like the heart of a supernova turned inside out and its pigments shimmered in a gentle chaos across the span of it.  “Baby,” Lena said, her voice trembling, “I don’t understand.”

“For you, dummy. The work of Archellian master Daz Hazmadi.  To replace that deKooning in the living room.  I hate that fucking thing.”  She gave a weak chuckle.

Lena bit back a sob.  She kissed Ronnie’s forehead. 

Ronnie didn’t say anything else after that.


	12. Its Own Reward

Veronica Sinclair had had very few real friends but she’d certainly had a bevy of acquaintances who sought to pay their respects.  Lena wryly looked around at the group.  So many dark-suited gangsters, it was like a scene from the Godfather, except that some of the gangsters were Chinese and some of them were scaly and blue.  Lena was the one who had to choose everything.  Although Ronnie had left her everything, the two of them had never talked about funeral arrangements or what she wanted because, Lena thought bitterly, Ronnie’s overweening confidence in her own cunning let her think she didn’t need to think about that yet. 

After a lot of thought, Lena didn’t feel that letting the earth swallow Veronica up seemed right, so she had her cremated and spread the ashes down at the beach near Las Palmas.  She had a Presbyterian minister read some verse and then an Archillian fire priest spoke a sacred poem and scattered burning flower petals after the ashes.  The gangsters stood around uncomfortably, trying not to grumble about the sand in their shoes.

Lena had mostly been alone with her grief for the last few days as she dealt with things.  Veronica’s mother, who Lena had known since prep school, thanked her for the beautiful ceremony.  Sam, she saw with muted satisfaction, had arrived with Kara.  Samantha Arias had never been through what she was feeling now; the feeling of being unable to save everyone.  There was no better person than Kara to help her through it and make sense of the guilt and pain.  Even in her grief-stricken state, she was able to see that she had done right in convincing Sam to be fully herself, and for putting her in Kara’s path.  They looked as if they belonged next to each other.

She spoke with them after the ceremony. 

“I’m sorry we couldn’t save her, Lena.  We tried,” Kara told her sincerely.

Lena gave her a pained smile.  “I know.”  She looked down and noticed Kara’s fingers tangled loosely in Sam’s.  They’d clearly bonded over the last few days.  “And it doesn’t change anything I’ve said.  I’m still always here for anything you may need.”  She paused and looked at Sam.  “Both of you.”

“I’d invite you to the reception afterwards-“ Lena began.

Kara put a hand on her shoulder.  “We’re not there yet, Lena.”  Lena looked away and tried to keep her composure.  Kara added, “But we’ll always be on the same side.  That much, I know.”

Lena nodded, grateful even for that small concession.

Cat approached from the other side of the crowd, carrying her shoes in hand and her pursen slung over her shoulder.  Lena was still feeling too hollow inside to know what to make of the fact that Cat had turned up, but she was glad she was here and brave enough to approach.

Cat and Kara quickly embraced, whispering “It’s good to see you.”  Cat turned to Samantha.  “I heard what you did; the world needs Supergirl. We all owe you.”

Sam shrugged, looking a little uncomfortable. 

Cat turned to Lena, about to say something, when Lena saw her mother approaching.  She sighed inwardly.  What were the odds that Lillian could just be kind today?

“Lena, darling,” she said, sympathetically.  “I’m so sorry you’re going through this.”

“Thank you Mother,” she replied, cautious.

“I suppose that one would have expected just such an ending for her, but nevertheless, I know she meant a great deal to you.”

Cat stepped in between them.  Lena saw that dangerous energy crackling around her, the one she had when she was mentally considering ways to murder you but instead was just going to verbally slay you.  “Lillian, that was in extraordinarily poor taste, even by your underwhelming standards.”

Lillian looked amused, and responded with mock reproach.  “Come now, Cat Grant, you can’t possibly be comfortable in this crowd, can you?”

Cat gestured around with one graceful hand, but her eyes never left Lillian’s face.  “This crowd looks like a bunch of people in mourning, Lillian, and I assure you that every last one of them, including that big, scaly blue whatsis over there, has more humanity than you do.”

Lena bit back a smile.  She heard Sam gasp a little. 

Lillian looked less amused, suddenly.  “You have no right–“

“I have every right,” Cat interrupted.  

“Cat,” Lena began, finally deciding to step in, “it’s really alright, I can handle this.”

“But you shouldn’t have to.”  She was glaring at Lillian now.  “Did you skip kindergarten, Lillian?  If you don’t have anything nice to say, get lost.”

Lillian gave all of them a cold, wordless look.  Finally her eyes rested on Lena.  “I told you so,” was all she said, and walked away.

Lena kept her face as neutral as she could.  She’d go home and break down about it later.  “Thanks, Cat,” she muttered.

Cat was still seething.  “I never liked your mother, do you know that?”

Lena chuckled a little.  “We never discussed it." 

“We’re discussing it now.  She’s awful.”

Suddenly, Cat seemed to realize how very strange and awkward it was, the four of them standing together, and decided to excuse herself.  “I have an event in the Hills that I need to leave for now, but... call me if you need anything, Lena.”

Lena watched Cat go. 

They had begun the wrong way.  They had a lot to dig through to figure out what they really felt.  But Cat cared, Lena felt certain of that much.  And right now, if nothing else, she needed a friend.  One who understood her.

She felt Kara gently touch her shoulder.  She turned around.  She had that gentle smile, the one Lena hadn’t seen in so long.  The concerned, compassionate one that curled the corners of her lips up just a little.  “Call her,” she said softly.

Lena frowned.  Was Kara really giving her a blessing to reach out to her?  “I... are you... are you sure you’re comfortable with that?”

Kara nodded.  “Yeah.  Call her.  What happens after that is up to the two of you.  But... just call her.”

Sam and Kara left.  Lena spent a few more moments looking at the water, smelling the burning flowers slowly being carried away on the waves. 

Art was expensive.  But sometimes, it could be its own reward.


	13. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> since y'all asked. ;)

Cat and Lena sit together on the terrace of Lena’s old place uptown, exhausted.  Lena had stayed in Ronnie’s old place for about six months after Ronnie passed, but in the end, she’d decided she needed to move.  Cat had helped her organize, and pack, and unpack.  They are drinking a couple of very cold beers, now, and staring at the stars, sitting beside each other on the two chaises, not touching, just quietly existing together.

Cat has been a rock these last few months.  As it turns out, all the work she had put in with Kara when she was trying to save their relationship has made her extraordinarily good at anticipating someone’s needs.  From the moment Lena called Cat, a few days after the funeral, Cat has been a strangely calming presence in her life.  This thought amuses Lena; Cat is about as far from calm as anyone she’s ever known.  But Cat cares, and that eases Lena’s anxiety a great deal. 

Cat knows that Lena probably isn’t eating, and sends her food.  Cat knows that Lena is going to need an estate lawyer, and she sends her a good one.  Cat realizes before Lena does that she’s going to need therapy to deal with the grief that has been laid at her feet, and gives her a card for a Dr. Rosensweig, with the assurance, “That old hippie has seen it all and won’t so much as blink no matter what you throw at her.”

So not once in these last six months has Cat made a move.  She has been everything Lena has needed in a friend. 

“Is it weird to be back here?” Cat asks after a long silence.

“A little,” Lena answers.  “Thanks for helping me.”

Cat smiles, but keeps looking at the sky.  “Of course.”

Lena scoots her chair a little closer, and rests her head on Cat’s shoulder.  She hears the surprised little intake of breath, and then a moment later, Cat’s arm slips around her waist and stays there.  _This is my space, now,_ Lena thinks, _and this is my life._   She takes Cat’s other hand.  It amazes her for a moment, how far they’ve traveled. 

“I think maybe I might love you,” she murmurs. 

It’s so soft, Cat sighs, “Hm?”

“I think maybe I might love you.”

Cat’s arm pulls her a little tighter.  “I told you that might happen if we did this properly.”

Lena smiles.  She _was_ right about that.

They clink their bottles together in a wordless toast.  She knows she’s ready to love Cat, and all that that entails.  But right now, she is simply enjoying her; the nearness of her, her warmth, the feeling of being sure of her.  Fixing things with Veronica had taught her something about appreciating the smaller, gentler pleasures of someone’s company, and she basks in that now.  She looks forward to the passion and wonders how it will be different this time.  When she’s done enjoying this quiet moment, this small, precious little intimacy, she’ll want to find out. 

 

 

**

 

Kara is drowsy and curled around Samantha in their comfortable East Side apartment.  She’s still staggered at how loudly little Ruby snores; she can hear her easily through the walls even without her super powers. 

They’ve been through a great deal by this time.  Samantha had discovered some dark, terrible truths about the origins of her powers, and Kara had guided her through them.  They rejected the name that those dark powers wanted her to take –Reign– and found her another.   Kara had dealt with some strangely pedestrian problems when an ex-boyfriend blew back into her life for a while, and ended up leaning on Sam.  They have held each other through nightmares.  Kara has been able to give her so much, all her first hand memories of Krypton and their origins and the culture.  She could describe the feeling of the air and the darkness of the soil sparkling with minerals, and the way the food tasted.  She taught her what she recalled of the liturgy from the Book of Rao, and had someone to pray with at night.  She taught her the language.  They draw closer together each day.

They are heroes together now, and have nothing to fear from each other.  Each night is a gift.  Kara feels like she has something like a family here.  She loves Ruby and takes her places when Sam can’t do it, bringing her to soccer practice and piano recitals, or taking her out for ice cream after dinner when Sam is working late.

And she loves Sam.  They’ve built something that feels solid.  Their bodies fit together when they lay wrapped around each other in the dark.  Their needs and wants are matched evenly and perfectly.  She still hurts sometimes when she thinks of everything that happened with Cat, but she also knows that she and Samantha were quite literally made for each other, engineered to be perfect and designed to love each other’s perfection.  She realizes that the sex was never the only problem with her and Cat.  She forgives.

Kara knows that Samantha has been Samantha all her life and prefers that name, but that she enjoys it when Kara calls her by her Kryptonian name, and she whispers it in her ear in the dark.  Samantha sighs happily and nestles back against her.  It feels right now like she’d have paid any price to have this. 

“I love you,” she murmurs.

“Yeah,” Kara murmurs back.  “I love you too.” 

“Goodnight, Supergirl.”

“Goodnight, Flare.” 


End file.
